8

Most of the time, there's always certain parts of passing seasons (or already past seasons) that I miss.
For me, and for this past season, there's plenty of things I want to cling to. I miss being held by the guy that I love, I miss walking around a chilly city late at night alone (or with company...sometimes), I miss dumpster diving, I miss living in a beautiful place full time (even if I resented it at the time), and driving towards a setting sun as it intensifies a mountain ranges' silhouette. I miss feeling involved, I miss being active, I miss living a tad more simply.

I'm looking forward to the time when I am restored. When I am healed. When you are healed. When I love God more than I love you. I'm looking forward to a time where this is all just as foggy a memory as a midnight dream. It's easy to say that I think that I'd be happier when that happens. But like I said, that's easy and doing what is easy is typically not the same as doing what is good and what is right. I could probably have a lot more peace if I learned  the art of being content in what Jesus is doing right now. Finding  joy in the process of healing and falling more in love with God just as much as the thought and the daydream of the finished product.

Tomorrow I want to ride my bike to the coffee shop, or maybe to downtown, or maybe to a friend's house. Tomorrow I want to treat my body right. Tomorrow I want to make a better effort towards being less selfish and more humble. Tonight, however; I want to spend with my Creator, which most times isn't easy for me to do. Every time that I find myself trying to devote my mind and my heart to prayer, I no sooner find myself falling into yet another one of my silly daydreams, not being able to focus on much of anything. I'm hopeful and pretty confident that I'm not the only person who suffers from this problem, which isn't me making any excuses for my somewhat drab relationship with Christ.

I need to be saved from my spiritual apathy. From my obsession with my individualism and with my appearance. From my selfishness and my abuse of the money that I'm blessed with. From my abuse of Grace. From my abuse of food. From my unholy clingy-ness to other people who are not Jesus. From my flawed perspective on the seriousness of the Cross. From my lack of respect for my King. From my lack of respect for myself and for others.

I need to move forward.