I woke up from my nap to aromas of baked cookies and iced cakes. Our
co-workers had chipped in to our bake sale with all of the ingredients
that we couldn’t necessarily afford ourselves (It’s been really
encouraging to see how invested they are in our community).
I joined
all six of my housemates out in the common space. There were miniature
pies, red velvet cakes, Toll House cookies and cream cheese icing in the
making, boxes for packaging being processed. After observing for a few
moments and offering my moral and emotional support, I began to prepare
the sweet potato ravioli dinner that we were to eat that night.
With only a tin can of pasta sauce to use as a dough roller, I took
about three hours to finish making our dinner. It was all from scratch
and it was also my first time ever making ravioli. By the time we all
showed up in the living room to eat (there was no room at the
table), I was less than confident about the dish that I was previously
so excited to serve. It looked pretty, but after warning everyone that
this wasn’t my best meal, I received mixed comments like, “Yep, it’s
pretty bad”, or, “No! This isn’t bad! You made it sound like we were all
gonna throw up!”, to, “It’s okay…the dough is pretty thick”. We all
laughed about what a flop it all was, some went for seconds. I
definitely know never to make that dish again.
We spent the
rest of the night finishing up baked goods. We went to our church the
next morning and raised about 350.00 towards our fundraising goals
selling off what we’d made the day before.
//
I see a lot of books and articles these days about how beautiful and
necessary community is, but I don’t too often get to read or hear about
the shitty and really painful realities that are present. I didn’t hear
about the exhaustion that comes with feeling like you have to constantly
defend and protect yourself from being wrong or from someone noticing
and calling you out for how wrong you are. How overwhelming it feels to
go from one extreme, being completely in love with your housemates to
the next, being absolutely livid that you cannot find the damn bicycle
helmets because someone decided to organize the closet and misplaced
them. There was never any preparation for a lot of what I’m now facing
six months into my life here. I am a little delirious, in a constant
state of mental and emotional exhaust, nevertheless, I know this time is
close to coming to an end and I see the past six months and this present
moment as all places where I’ve become more of my True Self, moments
where I’ve gotten to experience and relate with the Divine in so many
extraordinary people.
There’s a Sacred place in my heart for moments that I deeply cherish.
Days like last Saturday when we were all together doing something
collectively, suffering through the burned hands, the sprained ankles
and the tired bodies, the uncooperative dough, are times that I think
will stand out to me once this season is over.
Sacred doesn’t always mean easy or
“good”, beautiful doesn’t always mean neat and pretty. Sometimes Sacred
and Beautiful means the painful process of reconciliation, the rage that
comes from the dishes never being cleaned and the cleansing that comes
from those moments. The shedding of nagging entitlement, of ego, of
expectations of others.
There is death and resurrection here. Fire and gnashing of teeth,
salty tears of Holy Water that fall from your face when you feel the
sting of injustice, when you witness the completeness and rightness of
reconciliation, of a stray being adopted into a loving home.
//
I’m heading home to North Carolina this Friday and although I’m
excited for sleeping in, riding my bike and seeing the friends that I’ve
missed, I am in anticipation for when I come back. After next week, the
next time I go home from Texas will be my final farewell to Houston and
to my housemates.What will that goodbye feel like? How empty will I
feel the next weeks when I wake up to a quiet house, no morning
devotionals, no family dinners to share with Heather and Kira and
Charlie and Tarrin and Caleb and Rediet.
//
I can say that if I’m learning anything, I'm learning how to love.
