Gray

This morning started at 7:07 because I was afraid that sleep would linger until 7:18 and then someone would have to come get me. This morning, Tarrin read me quotes out of a book I had written off as too fundamental. The author talked about not boxing in truth to anything, not even to an unconventional thought process, and I felt ashamed that I’d thrown that book out because the words seemed too Christianese and the author talked too much about “things that I already knew”. 

This morning I sipped about two ounces of Vietnamese coffee with my co-worker who I feel mildly connected to because she knows the smell of an Oriental market and reminds me of my grandmother. 

This morning my boss is wearing bright blue neon colored jeans and an orange plaid shirt and shiny pleather flats and I think she looks more divine than she ever has in a fancy dress and tall heels. Mismatched clothes and shiny flats make me  think that her armpits probably smell like sweat when she steps out in the Houston weather and maybe she farts on her couch at home and she probably gets boogers and her shit stinks. She seems more Divine today because she looks more like me, she seems more relateable, closer to the earth with her flat shoes and comfy clothes. But clothing is just a part of our illusions anyways, so. 

Tomorrow is my Sabbath. Today I’m like the Gentiles and  I’m wondering what I will eat tomorrow morning when we have no tortillas or coffee or bread. Tonight someone will be talking to us about white privilege and how to “move from guilt to action” or something like that. I’m prepared to be confused yet again because some people call me white and some people speak to me in Mandarin when I’m walking down a sidewalk. I’ve often been left wondering where all the in-between people are and why even issues of “black vs white” are made black and white and what about all of us gray people in our gray areas.