The moonlight was spying on us last night. It played sort of a peeping-Tom, or maybe more of an estranged relative that was stopping in to say hi. It peered so brightly into our room, like a helicopter’s spotlight, that we had no choice but to stay up until one or two in the morning and be vulnerable with one another, making us late for our morning devotionals with our housemates. I read, “Until All-One We Are!” from my shampoo bottle and afterwards, everyone else went back to bed and I stayed on the couch reading Harry Potter.
"You can’t be free if you judge people". The well of judgement has pooled so deep within me and I just recently have gotten so tired of swimming in that murky water. The darkness there is consuming.
My judgement towards others has always first begun with myself. God, why are you eating so much fucking pasta? Turn to the side, look at how much weight you’ve gained. Why did you say that? Can’t you hear how stupid you sound right now? You don’t know enough, your words are inadequate, you are inadequate. He doesn’t want you. Why did you go to that wedding to see him? He didn’t want to see you. He doesn’t care. Everyone here thinks you’re stupid for doing this.
And my self-judgment has just gotten all over everyone else too. I have judged everyone with the same, unfair, dishonest and unloving measurements in which I have learned to judge myself.
But food is such a holy gift and enjoying it is what helps me to survive. A full tummy is a blessed tummy and I can learn to swallow these blessings with gratitude rather than guilt and resentment. I have worth because I exist. Words are not adequate homes. I am so much more than strings of boxy words. My goodness can simply not fit into them. I don’t have to prove myself to others in order to protect myself from feeling shamed by them (or myself). I can be a safe place for myself. Maybe he really doesn’t want you, but it wasn’t stupid to make yourself vulnerable and available for someone that you absolutely loved. That was risky and beautiful and don’t stop seeking those that you love just because you’ve experienced rejection. Sacrificing your comfort and safety for someone that means something to you is courageous and I am sorry that that wasn’t received as such. You did the beautiful thing. You loved even when you were unloved in return and I am proud of you for being so brave.
I figure that once I learn to interact with myself with compassion and kindness that I can interact with others with compassion and kindness as well. I can be free.
Today I did a heel click. A dread-headed woman adorned with bones, dressed in a witchy skirt and salvaged boots in the hot Texan heat, heel clicking in the middle of the road because heartbreak and bitterness and shame no longer becomes me. I, and a few trust-worthy others, have loved me back to health.